a state of organization...  I spent yesterday in an almost manic state of organizing my house.  I took the recycling to the elementary school, made a donation to the Goodwill, cleaned my closet and dresser to put away all the clothes I can't fit into anymore and replaced them with the two boxes of maternity clothes I recently dragged down from the attic, after washing all of them, of course.  I cleaned, vacuumed and organized our bedroom and office and even went online to Ikea.com and ordered some storage boxes for the many piles of papers, books and journals I've decided to take off the shelf and put away.  I'm not sure where this burse of energy came from but it felt good after many weeks of lack of energy.  It could be subconsious anxiety about starting school.  I know that I will need to be super organized to pull this off, especially after the new little one comes.  It also could be my premature nesting instincts because I actually feel the same way today.  I have a feeling that I will be going at it in the guest room (soon to be new nursury) during Macy's nap.

But besides yesterday's accomplishments, I feel good about this whole week, too.  On Tuesday we had a second doctor appointment and were able to hear the baby's heartbeat.  It was at 154 bpm which means there is a 55% chance it is a girl.  On Wednesday Macy and I joined our neighbor, Deann, and her two kids at the pool.  It was actually a decent day, heat-wise, so we stayed out for over two hours.  We brought a lunch and had a really good time. 

On the home front...  My mom saw a specialist at the University of Iowa and was recommended for a lung transplant.  She is now on a waiting list and will hopefully be called up within eighteen months.  And depending on his report, she will also be trying some new medication.  And Mike's mom is recovering at home now.

And last, but not least, is mommy-news.  Macy had her very first time-out yesterday.  She has become very adept at getting herself onto chairs these days.  A skill which both makes me proud and yet infuriates me.  Anyway, I found her sitting neatly at the desk, with the drawer open, marker in one hand, lid in another, writing on herself.  Of course, I told her no, took away the marker and lifted her off the chair and onto the floor.  She proceeded to do this a couple more times and my scorn became increasingly loud.  The last time I took away the marker, she, in her frusteration, pounded her head against my chest and took a big bite out of my collar bone area.  She broke the skin!  I swatted her little mouth and sat her on the chair.  After checking out my already bruised shoulder, I sat across from her on the couch, watching her scream and began crying, myself.  It was like we were fighting!  She got off the chair a couple times but I put her right back up there.  Finally, after about five minutes, she calmed down, got off the chair, walked up to me and gave me a hug.  Even in my fury and pain from my bruised collarbone, that felt good.

almost ready to go...  Macy and I made a trip to campus yesterday to meet with the graduate advisor.  I'm a little bummed because I found out I can only transfer 9 credits, not 12, but otherwise, I feel much better about the route I now need to take.  And in fact, I just registered online for my first two classes - Advanced Theories of Personality and Issues and Professional Ethics.  So besides acquiring the syllabi and books for the course, I'm all ready to go.  It's exciting.  I realize it's going to be much more challenging this time with an almost-two-year-old and a soon-to-be-newborn, but luckily I have the love and support of the most wonderful husband in the world, so I'm not scared at all.  And... my neighbor (who is also starting grad school in August) and I are going to trade babysitting services on the nights we have late class so my what-to-do-with-Macy worries are gone.  The only major obstacle is the fact that I need one undergraduate prerequisite that I didn't know about and it is only offered during the day, four days per week with a lab (yuk!).  Don't know how I'm going to swing that one, but I'm going to worry about it later.

Otherwise, Mike and I have been spending a lot of time trying to keep in touch with our moms.  His mom is back in the hospital after the realization that they punctured her bowel during the recent hysterectomy.  This, as you can imagine, is a major setback for her and has caused many, many complications on top of everything else she has to deal with.  She will be in the hospital for a couple weeks, she has a very high risk for infection, her chemotherapy will be delayed or cancelled, and there is a possibility she will need additional surgery in the future.  And... my mom was checked into the hospital Tuesday night with a temperature of 104, a migraine and difficulty breathing.  She's still there but hopefully will return home by tomorrow.  They are still waiting the results from a lung culture, but they think the temp and headache are a side effect of the new medication she started.  If so, she'll have to try another one.  Keep your fingers crossed...

miracles...  The past few weeks have been a series of strange, lost feelings.  I'm still dealing with the shock of my mom's diagnosis, but I think I've managed to get a slight grip on it.  I should know better than anyone that life is unpredictible with the good and the bad.  We're all dealt a hand in life and learning how to deal with that fate is how we pass our days here on earth.  Perhaps that is the true meaning of this life.  So with that realizations, I've discovered that I've been best dealing with this sadness and grief through reading, exercising and making the effort to reach out to those I care about.  Oh, yeah - and the occassional breakdown.  Reassuring emails from friends have been one of my biggest saviors.  And I've surprised myself by also making the effort to pick up the phone and call friends and family members.  This act has also helped in lifting me up when I feel at my lowest.
 
But don't get me wrong.  My days have been more than walking around in constant contemplation of my sadnesses.  I've been getting through this hot, humid, Texas summer quite nicely, one day at a time.  I'm preparing for grad school with anticipation and anxiety.  I'm looking forward to the challenge, yet a bit scared about how it will affect my life this time...
 
Mike and I invited our new friends, Geoff and Edie, over yesterday for dinner.  While eating out about a month ago we noticed Geoff because of his Lazlo's t-shirt and Nebraska cap.  We stopped and introduced ourselves on our way out, exchanged emails and phone numbers, and have become friends.   They just moved to the Flint area in March from Nebraska and, as you can imagine, we have a lot in common.
 
And my husband and daughter also bring me joy on a daily basis.  Watching Macy become a little toddler is entertaining and it's wierd to think that the things we're doing are at this very moment affecting the personality she will become.  I'm also thankful every day for the life I'm carrying inside of me.  It reminds me that miracles are possible, no matter what the road ahead looks like.  This thought alone can make any day a happier one.

another roller coaster... I received a call last Friday morning from my mom. She sounded happy and excited and relieved. A nurse from Mayo Clinic called her with good news. She did not have pulmonary fibrosis, just bronchial pneumonia. I went about my day, preparing to leave that afternoon for Nebraska. I made the bed, packed our bags, stopping several times to look up to God in thanks for his amazing goodness to me. But our happiness was short-lived. I was driving through a construction zone in Tulsa when Mike's cell phone rang. He answered and I knew immediately it was my mom and for some reason, I dreaded what she was saying. The nurse was wrong. The doctor had just called and she did, in fact, have Pulmonary Fibrosis. She had an appointment to meet with him the following Tuesday.

After eating dinner in Vitila, OK, we finally stopped for the night in Miami, OK. Macy, happy to be out of her car seat, had fun jumping on the bed and spinning circles with that cute, goofy look on her face that makes Mike and I laugh until our ribs hurt. But we eventually had to end her fun and put her to bed. She didn't fuss long and was soon sound asleep. Unfortunately, Mike and I didn't sleep as well.

We arrived in Omaha around 2:00 the next day. Mike's sister, MaryAnn, greeted us with homemade chicken noodle soup, fruit and bread. I didn't know it, but after eating my past few meals on the road, it was exactly the good stuff my body was crying out for. We then left Macy in the care of Uncle Rob and Cousin Ben and went to the hospital to visit Mike's mom, Virginia. She lay in her bed, without her wig, and sadly, looked way too much like a cancer patient. But once she started talking to us, I realized she was the same old 'Ginia. We spent a few hours with her before returning to Mary Ann's for dinner and much needed sleep.

The next morning, we took Macy up to see her grandma. She wasn't so sure about the bald lady in the bed, but she didn't run away screaming either so that was good. After a brief visit, Mike drove us to my mom's in Greenwood, where Macy and I would spend the rest of the day and night. I wasn't prepared to see my mom's steroid-induced swollen, face and at first it made me sad; but once I realized she was okay and happy, I felt better. She was still the mom I knew, making food, serving it, cleaning up and never stopping. I spent most of the day sitting around the table with my mom, sister, aunts and grandma, eating and catching up. As darkness came upon us, mom, John, Grandma, Macy and I sat on the front deck and watched the fireworks in the distance. We weren't sure where they were coming from, but we had a nice view. Macy split her time equally between her grandma and great-grandma's laps and talked non-stop. I was happy to be there but as I watched the beautiful sparks of light in the distance, I couldn't help but miss my husband and wish that things were different for his mom and mine.

I spent Monday morning with my family and that afternoon they brought me to Omaha to reunite with Mike. We visited Virginia one last time with Macy, and were able to see Mike's other sister, Joan, just in from California.

We awoke the next morning at 5:00 and were on the road by 6:00. It was the usually long day of driving. Macy slept more that usual which should have been our first hint that something was wrong. She also had diarrhea and a fever and gave it to me. We've both been sicky since we returned home. We ventured out today for much-needed groceries, but otherwise have been pretty immobile in the house. But, being sick she allows herself to snuggle up to her mommy, which is the nicest thing in the world...