still blah... I've spent the past few days down deep in a depression-like state. I haven't felt like doing any of the things I typically enjoy; I haven't felt like eating and I have to really push myself to do the things that have to be done. Yesterday I took a two-hour nap during Macy's nap. I just want to hole myself up in this house and stay on the couch and avoid dealing with the outside world. But, as I told a friend via email the other day, I just keep telling myself that it'll get better, then it'll get worse, then it'll be over and I'll have another little one. But, pathetically, I'm already starting to worry and obsess about post-partum depression. Geesh.

I guess I'm worried about a lot of things. I worry about miscarrying again, I worry about my mom, I worry about Mike's mom which leads into imagining life without my family which leads to further depression and I've even been worrying about Mike dying. My dreams have been odd and unorganized. In one dream I felt like I was struggling with all my strength to walk. It was painful and I was trying to get away from somebody. And yet another dream I started running and it felt so good that that was all I did for the rest of the dream.

I've gone through spells like this before, but usually it was situation. This hormonal crap is a whole different ball game. So until this passes, I'm determined to do my best to do something outside everyday. Not only do I need it, but Macy does, too.

blah... I think I remember feeling like this while pregnant with Macy. At the beginning I was unemployed and spent a lot of time doing nothing, which is exactly what I always seem to feel like doing these days. The sadness spells are still coming and going. I have no energy and am frusterated by all the things that I want and need to do. Poor Macy is probably bored stiff. Yesterday we did spend about a half hour in the back yard and she swam in her little tiny pool while I laid there in the lounger.

I also started painting my bathroom yesterday while she napped. I got all the trim done but needed a roller brush to finish the rest so after Macy awoke we did run to Target for that. But Macy didn't take an afternoon nap so I didn't get to finish in the afternoon.

Later last night Mike volunteered to put the second coat on the trim while I watched the Swan Pageant, but I decided to just go in and get the room painted... and we did. And I still got to see who won the pageant in the end.

So today I have absolutely no clue as to what I want to do. Unmotivated again. Maybe I'll take Macy and Truman to the park.

i'm such a bitch... A representative from Allstate just called and told me that we qualified for 10% discount. I don't trust anyone I don't know calling me on the phone and I hate dealing with insurance stuff and leave that all up to Mike. So I told him he'd have to talk to my husband but he just kept talking. I snapped into anger and practically yelled at him in this deep, demon voice, "Do you understand what I'm saying? Do you hear me?" Macy looked up at me aghast from whatever she was getting into. The poor guy simply said "yes, ma'am" and hung up. So now I feel bad. Maybe it was legit? I hate it when I say things without thinking first. I'm so bad at it.

Anyway, let me tell you about my weekend. Friday Macy had a 102.5 temp all day so we didn't do much that night. Saturday we had a late breakfast at the Palestine Campground Cafe near our boat slip. We were going to take a troll around the lake, but it was way too choppy. On the way home we stopped off at Home Depot because Mike needed a few manly things. I picked up a gallon of the paint for my bathroom so now if I ever get the whim, I'll be ready to go. That night we all went to dinner at Casa Ole' and saw Shrek 2. It was so good, better than the first, I thought.

Yesterday we met the Schwartz's at the lake and spent three hours in the tube, skis and general lake frolic. As a result I'm a lobster again. Afterwards, Mike and I made dinner for everyone. We had pork steak kabobs and potato salad and corn and rolls and Lisa made a great chocolate pudding desert.

Aaaaand, I don't know what I'll do today. Haven't been to Target for awhile, yet. Maybe I'll paint?

touchy... Today started out kinda rough. I was up twice during the night with Macy. She'd be crying and when I'd go to check on her she was sitting up in her crib just sobbing. It broke my heart so each time I held her until she calmed down and eventually laid her back down, rub her back and watch her until she fell asleep. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well, either.

On a positive note, though, she slept until 9:00 a.m. so I was able to sleep in a bit. But even so, the beginning of the day brought me hormonal distress and I found myself in tears for most of the morning. I decided to treat myself and Macy and we went to lunch together at Applebee's (I felt like being waited on). Then we went to Wal-Mart and bought Macy a little swimming pool and, since we went with the cheap one, we splurged on a bunch of pool toys. I could hardly wait to set it all up for her. But she fell asleep on the way home and it wasn't until after her nap that we were able to spend a couple hours in the back yard, her swimming and splashing around in the pool, and me lounging in the chair with the video and the camera.

Tonight Mike paid the bills and I watched the 2-hour American Idol Audition Special. I laughed just as hard this time around....

going home, and eating lots and lots of food... Well, we made it home with no problems whatsoever. Macy was an angel, sleeping only about an hour and spending the rest of the 12 hour trip watching movies and entertaining herself. I was so ready to be out of the car and it wasn't until today that I've felt like sitting down again and catching up here.

After my last post, I spent the rest of the trip catching up with some friends and spending time with my family.

Wednesday I spent the morning with my grandma and we met up with my mom and John and Levi for lunch at Grandmother's. My mom had her Dr. appointment that morning and we received no real news at that point. They scheduled her for a biopsy the next morning.

Wednesday night my Grandma watched Macy while I went to my cousin Christie's new apartment. It is the first time she's lived on her own for a very long time and I'm very proud of her for taking this big step. She's had a rough time the past few months and I feel that this move will only help her to grow. It stormed that night and I made a mess of my thongs as I ran to my car through the sod of the new apartment complex. I returned to Grandma's barefoot and thought I'd have to throw away the shoes, but good ol' grandma cleaned and scrubbed them at her kitchen sink and even blew them dry for me. Now they're good as new!

Thursday I picked up my friend C.Leigh at her office and we lunched at The Olive Garden. She is planning a January wedding so we had wedding stuff to talk about, along with your basic catching up. I was glad I got to see her. That night Grandma watched Macy again and I met up with my friends Tammy, Tracey and Trudy whom I worked with years ago. Tammy had just bought a townhome so I got to see that. I'm proud of her for being such an independent woman!! We hung out there for awhile and then went to The Penalty Box for some food and drinks. I had buffalo style chicken strips and have decided that is my new favorite food. So bad for you, but so, so yummy!

The next day Grandma and Macy and I went to mom's in the morning and at about noon I picked up Mike from his fishing trip. We then had the all-you-can-eat catfish lunch with Mom, John, Grandma and Levi at Lanoma Beach. After hanging out at Mom's for the afternoon, we headed back into town where we stopped at Hy-Vee for Mike's favorite brand of sauerkraut - Franks - because they don't sell it here in Texas. We then dropped Grandma off at home Levi off at his car and dropped in on Macy's old babysitter, Susie. She was surprised and happy to see us and I think Macy remembered her. We left there and met our old neighbors Don, Kendra, Kyle and Drew and took them all to Lazlo's for dinner. They watched Truman for us during the trip so it was the least we could do. They are waiting delivery of brand new living room furniture so after dinner we all laid in their furnitureless living room on their brand new carpet like beached whales and watched Macy play with Kyle and Drew and Truman and Petey and Maggie.

Saturday we were able to relax for most of the day. But early afternoon we headed to Hickman for Macy's second cousin Elisabeth's first birthday party. It was so good to see that side of the family because it doesn't happen very often anymore. I have such great childhood memories with my cousin Sharla (Elisabeth's mommy) and really miss her a lot. We had to leave the party early in order to swing by Christie's and finally get to Jen's wedding. It was a beautiful, little wedding. We took Macy and she did pretty good, but she turned into a wild-woman at the reception. We eventually took her to grandma's where she slept. Christie left early and Mike and I were able to spend some alone time together. Before we called it a night, we stopped by one of our old favorite places - Libations .

Sunday we had steaks for dinner (because we really needed them) and in the afternoon we attended our sister-in-law Melissa's graduation party. Macy had fun running around outside, even though it was very windy...

And the next morning, at 6:30 a.m., we were back on the road.

Which brings me to today - and some bigger news. I'm pregnant. I took a home test at my grandma's while we were home. When I told my grandma the news a couple day's later, she said, "what if someone sees it in my trash can?" I thought that was funny. Mike was fishing while I took the test. Immediately after I saw the two pink lines that indicated pregnant, I found a pen and paper and wrote this...

"I'm sitting on the floor of my grandma's pink bathroom. Excited and scared and happy and thankful. I'm pregnant. AT 4:02 p.m. this afternoon I peed on a stick and a pink line almost immediately appeared proving that I'm pregnant. I cried really hard and could feel the tears running down my face. I looked up to the ceiling and said thank you to God. I'd been praying for this gift and still can't believe He's gracious enough to give it to me. I look forward to telling Mike. I could've waited to take the test until he got home, but I wanted to be able to tell him the good news and see his face. I know there is a long nine months ahead of me, but I can't wait..."

So when I picked Mike up from his fishing trip, I had this elaborate plan. I had gotten a card and taped the test inside, along with a message. I was going to take him to sit in front of my old apartment where I was living when I told him the news of being pregnant with Macy. But, because we'd been trying so long and were really hoping this was "the month," he immediately began asking me questions so my plan was foiled. But I half expected that anyway so it was okay.

Just yesterday I had my first craving - dill pickles and chocolate milk. Yes, I ate a bowl full of pickles and washed them down with the milk. It tasted so good but luckily, today I'm back to normal and it seems quite gross.

I haven't been able to tell all my friends yet so I hope they forgive me for learning the news this way. I'm trying really hard not to be scared and have hope and faith that this one will be successful. I'm due January 15ish...

We made it... I'm sitting at my mom's computer with some free time. Macy found a duck toy that is happily quacking in the background. I dropped Mike off at his friend Terry's at 6 am this morning where they promptly headed toward Milford Lake, Kansas for a quick two-day fishing trip. Mom and John are at the hospital for mom's tests. She has a spot of fluid on her lung that they want to check out. I'm worried, of course, but hope for the best. The thought of something being wrong with my mom is unthinkable to me so I'm not thinking about it...

The drive went ten times better than expected. Macy only slept for a half hour of the 12 hour trip and she still managed to make it with no fussing until we were an hour from Omaha. I was so amazed and proud! We did have some help from the portable VCR we borrowed from the Schwartz's. We watched Lion King, Muppets Take Manhattan, Toy Story, Sesame Street 25th Anniversary Special and Barney's Shapes and Colors. And in-between movies, Mike and I managed to also listen to a book on tape entitled The Weatherman. Twelve hours is such a long time in the car...

Once in Omaha we were greeted at Mike's sister's with open arms and Valentinos Pizza. We spent that evening just hanging out and catching up. Sunday Mike took early Macy duty and let me sleep in for Mother's Day. When I came down to breakfast he gave me my gifts... a pair of Tanzanine (Macy's birthstone) earrings from him and a Maya Angelou journal from Macy. Of course, I loved them.

We went to Mike's parent's for a while and then we all went to cousin Ben's piano recital at the Joslyn Art Museum. Macy made it about a half hour into the performances before she got bored. We left and browsed about the museum, ending up in the kid's play area where we were able to dress up like the subject of certain paintings and color and stuff like that. I'm glad I had my camera because we all looked pretty cute in our renaissance attire and Joan of Arc-wear.

Monday morning Mike, along with his dad, went to a chemotherapy appointment with his mom. She was so happy he did that. Macy and I met up with my friend Stacy for lunch in Lavista. That evening, Mike's parents took us to the Bohemian Cafe for dinner. That was a new experience for me but I must say I loved the food and the quaint little cafe in downtown Omaha.

Tuesday we packed up and headed to Lincoln where we dropped Truman off at our old neighbors to spend the remainder of the trip with them and their little black scotty, Maggie, and big white boxer, Petey. He's in heaven. We were able to chat with another set of our former neighbors, Lyle and Flo, for awhile but that was cut shorter than we would have liked because my Grandma was expecting us for lunch. We picked her up at her new little apartment and lunched at none other than Runza. Can't come back to Nebraska without havin' some of that!

So, after a few more errands about town, we went to Mom's to unpack and wait for her to get off from work. She brought home Valentinos (can't have too much, really). My sis, Beki, and niece Emah came out and we all went to Sterling to watch niece Haylee in the Spring concert. A typical cute little elementary musical that wouldn've been much more enjoyable if the school would just install an air conditioner, for goodness sake!! I mean really, isn't it about time?

Which brings me to today, which I touched on earlier. I will wait for Macy to take a good morning nap and then decide what to do...

sorry, pooh... I feel really overwhelmed and frantic today trying to get ready for the trip. It's my own fault, though, because I've become quite obsessed with leaving the house in a perfectly clean and tidy state before we leave. I spent yesterday dusting and vaccuuming every inch of the house that needed it and this morning was dedicated to the bathrooms. I'm such a geek.

Otherwise, just anxiously awaiting tomorrow morning when we'll head out. My neighbor Deann and her daughter Danielle are going to look in on Sigmund Pooh while we're away. I feel bad leaving him for so long and hope he'll forgive me. I actually thought about taking him with us for a minute or two, but figured that would be even more traumatic for him.

Hopefully I'll be able to post while away so ta-ta for now...

our day... It was on this date two years ago that Mike proposed to me. And in looking back in my journals, I found that three years ago on that date was one of the nights we had met for drinks back when we were just friends. And last year on this date, we had gotten a babysitter and gone out, as well. So I've coined this date as ours...

We had an awesome weekend. Friday night we ate out at a new little bar in Flint called the Half Moon. We ate pizza al fresca and had a nice little time. At home we watched The Missing. It was one of those movies that made me want to go get Macy from her crib and just hold her all night.

Saturday, I visited Regis in the Mall and chopped a good deal of my hair off, and lightened what remained. I'm pleased with the results. I feel lighter.

Once home, Mike and I loaded up with Macy and headed into Dallas for the afternoon. I love Dallas and have been wanting to since we've moved. It was a beautiful day and we walked all around the West End and shopped, buying a couple of bottles of hot sauce for our new collection. We had a great steak dinner at Hoffenau's, and stopped at a liquor store on the way home to stock up on Llano Chenin Blanc.

Sunday morning we went to Church and stopped at the produce stand on the way home for onions, potatoes and corn. Once home Mike trimmed and mowed the yard while I cleaned and washed the vehicles. It was only 1:00 when we finished, so we decided to give the Schwartz's a call and head out to the Lake. We tubed and skiied until almost 7:00 and returned home where Mike prepared a pork tenderloin from his recent hunt and I made the potatoes, onions and corn. We ate on the back patio after Macy went to sleep and finished the night off with a bottle of the wine we got in Dallas.

Next weekend we are heading home for 10 days and I'm really excited. I have a lot to do this week to prepare so don't know how much I'll be able to write, but I hope to stop in a couple of times...