binge... I've been on some sort of eating binge over the past couple days. I feel like a bottomless pit! Not sure why. I'll blame hormones because I blame them for everything else, why not!

Not much else to report for today. Macy and I checked out the new Hobby Lobby on the Loop and stopped by Albertsons for produce. Between Mike and I we spread ant killer on about 30 fire ant hills in our back yard tonight and then covered the whole yard again with Over and Out fire ant killer. That oughta get 'em! Even though we've already done it once!!

I made chicken parmigiana for dinner tonight and made frozen margaritas on a whim. Between 2 glasses of margarita and the chicken, surprisingly, I did finally feel full.

And finally, we said goodbye to John Stevens on American Idol. He's been expected to be booted over the past 4 weeks or so and finally left tonight. Now it'll really get interesting!

happy...

“There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.”
-Robert Louis Stevenson
Virginibus Puerisque (1881)

This quote came to mind during my recent journey through some of my old journals. I’m definitely a much happier now. As I read back, I keep thinking to myself, “Why did you do that?” or “How could you let that happen to you?” But hindsight is 20-20, right?

What follows is a page from October 20, 2001. At this point in my life, I was just beginning to consciously realize that I was not, in fact, very happy. I was beginning to see that I was usually talking myself into being happy or trying to convince others that I had the perfect life. I was beginning to be forced into the realization that I couldn’t honestly admit complete happiness. But I had no idea why. I began desperately searching for a means to get out of my obvious detrimental patterns and I guess this is what I came up with on this particular day…

"10-20-01
I want to be happy. I go through the days smiling and telling everyone how “great” I am, but inside I don’t feel it. I feel paralyzed and unable to explain to myself or anyone else how sad I feel inside. I guess I should focus on things I should do to perk myself up. Let’s see, what could that be…

Things that make Mollie happy (no particular order)…

1. kissing
2. holding hands
3. meaningful conversations
4. laughing (duh!)
5. when someone calls me sweetheart
6. watching Three’s Company
7. eating
8. writing
9. reading
10. listening to Dave Matthews
11. family gatherings
12. reminiscing with Nicole
13. when my cat pats my face with his paw
14. being tired when it’s time to go to bed
15. when my hair looks good
16. white zinfandel
17. personal emails
18. animals
19. wedding receptions
20. being remembered
21. leaving town for the weekend
22. learning something interesting
23. knowing all the words to a good song and singing it at the top of your lungs
24. jazz bars
25. praise at work
26. good smells
27. sleeping during rain storms
28. Archy McNally
29. finding the perfect outfit
30. new friends

I think I’ll add a few more today…

30. a Sunday morning rendezvous with my husband
31. Macy kisses/hugs
32. being on the lake
33. dates with Mike
34. going home
35. cooking
36. looking at a new roll of just-developed pictures
37. shopping at Target
38. getting a letter in the mail
39. subtle signs from God
40. NOT dieting…

weekend recap... The party was fun, just as I predicted. Tony's house was beautiful and we sat on the sunporch most of the night looking out over the lake. He served boiled shrimp, brats, potatoes and onions, all layed out on a picnic table covered in newspapers. And he introduced me to a new favorite wine, too: Llamo Chenin Blanc, made in Texas of all places. Very cheap but good. Oh, and his bathroom had a boudet (no idea how to spell that!)

After the party, Mike, Ron, Lisa and I took the boat out for awhile. It was nice being able to relax without the kids. We floated around and drank and talked and Mike even took a ski in his underwear. On the way home, we stopped at the Holidaze because I noticed they had karaoke with "Spanky" that night. I got my fix and sang "Son of a Preacher Man" and "No One Needs to Know" with no waiting. Nice little place. Reminded me of the small town bars back home.

Needless to say, we were both a little useless on Sunday. I hadn't drank that much for a long, long time and we spent the day lounging and eating. My neighbor, Dawn, called requesting my help in picking out paint for her bathroom so I made a couple trips to her house. I think Macy and I will walk down there later to see the finished product...

date night... We're heading to a party at Mike's boss's house this afternoon. It is only for the Directors so it'll be intimate. He lives on Lake Tyler and I'm really looking forward to it. We've gotten a babysitter for the whole day and after the party, we're goin' out! We haven't had a date night for quite a while.

Otherwise, nothing new to report. It's been raining all day and my allergies are awful. They seem to get worse when it rains. I still don't know what I'm allergic to, though. Could it be water?..

what to do?.. Woke up this morning with absolutely no plans besides folding the remaining load of laundry in the dryer from the night before. Thinking, "this will never do," I thought of all that places I could go today.. the park, the trail, target, the mall, etc. We went to the Mall and Target yesterday, so that didn't sound like fun. And it is a bit hot and muggy to be outside for too long, so I nixed the park and the trail. I decided that Macy and I would take the 35 mile trip to Longview to see what we could see. It turned out to be a blue-classier version of Tyler and, I'm told by Mike, that is exactly the history of the place. I guess back during the oil days down here, the oil "workers" all lived in Longview while the benefactors and "money" lived in Tyler. Interesting...

Macy decided she wanted to use her $5 in Burger King Bucks and take me to lunch so we stopped at the first BK we saw. Then, we found the Longview Mall and made our way through. It was small and uninteresting, although their Victoria Secret was nicer than ours. There was no Gap or Lerner, but they had a nice Waldon Books. Anyway, we left without spending a dime and made it home safely. Macy is napping now and I need to go clean out my car!..as

*&#$@! computer!.. gol! I can't believe it's been so long since I've last blogged. You see, we've been having puter problems. We finally got our new computer hooked up and it's lightning fast compared to my old one. And I think my old one had a virus because it kept kicking me off whilst I was dabbling online. Big thanks to good ol' bro-in-law, Heath, for his tele-assistance last night. I think Mike and I were on with him for two hours trying to get the new internet service going.

But before all that, I hosted my Bunko group last night and we had a blast! I served three cheese enchiladas, spicy rice and grape salsa. I also served Chablis from the box in my fridge to whomever would drink it. One never knows who is offended by alcohol down here in Southern Baptist Central. Most of the ladies tied one on with me, but those who didn't had a good time to. We won't go changing the name of our game to Drunko yet, but it was a start!

Still backtracking... Sunday Mike and Macy and I lunched at Lake Palestine Campground at the grille next to our boat slip. It was fun mixing with the locals and shouting our orders to the cook on the other side of the counter. We took the boat out for just a little while because the water was a bit choppy. We were searching for a beach we had heard of that is supposed to be near the dam, but we found nothing.

Saturday (Happy Birthday, Grandma!), we mulched the flower beds around our house. It took 68 bags (4 trips to Home Depot). But it was worth it in the end. Now the weeds are gone - replaced by the beautiful cedar mulch. Later that night we ate at China Cafe with the Schwartz' in celebration of Matt's First Communion. yum - me!

That's most of the high points of my past few days, but I mustn't forget about today...

Macy and I made lunch from leftovers in the fridge and met Mike for a picnic in the park. It was a very nice day for it. After we dropped Mike back off at work, we stopped in at Target where I left after spending only $2.46 on a birthday card for my cousin, Kyle. Baby steps, Mollie, baby steps.

bye-by jpl... Poor John Peter was voted off American Idol tonight. This, after last night's rendition of Jail House Rock! Perhaps his best performance, ever. Although he obviously wasn't one of the front runners, I was always rooting for him. I liked him. I think, though, he needs to take his guitar, sit on a stool and sing some up-beat rock-a-billy type stuff. Move over Paula! I should be an Idol judge....

Anywho, this week just flew by, huh? After watching our show tonight, Mike and I sat in our back yard and drank a glass of Chablis while dreaming of all the things we wish we had the time and money for to make our back yard pretty like our neighbors. You see, they own a landscaping business and recently transformed their back yard into a beautiful retreat. And then there's our poor, weedy, fire ant infested, mole-ridden, mess. Mike has treated it for ants, sprayed the weeds, spread new burmuda grass seed and set numerous traps for the Mole so hopefully it'll get shaped up soon.

Not much new to report otherwise. Macy and opened a kid's savings account for her today and then we played in the park for awhile. Yesterday we shopped at Target for post-easter bargains, Tuesday we grocery shopped and Monday we hit the mall. Pretty typical week for us, I guess...

happy belated easter... Mike's hunting trip went well. I hadn't seen him so happy and excited for a long time. He had the time of his life and said that if he could only do one type of hunting for the rest of his life, it would have to be the hunting of the poor wild pigs. He relayed the stories of the capture and demise of three such pigs (leaving a few details out) and it sounded so primitive and manly. With the help of some highly-trained dogs, they literally have to catch the pig, hold them down and stab them with knives. I know, it's so brutal. I'm very against hurting animals, but I can't be hypocritical when I enjoy eating meat so much, can I? It's so hard being a meat-eating, pro-the-humane-treatment-of-animals person!!!

Sunday, we went to Easter Mass at the Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception downtown with the Schwartz's. It was standing-room only, but I was okay with that. It was nice celebrating Easter among the masses, especially after the post-Passion enlightenment I have been through.

After Mass, we went home to put Macy down for her nap, put the ham in the oven, and prepare the cherry fluff. Went to the Schwartz's around 3:00 and, after a few pre-dinner coctails, we stuffed ourselves on ham, spinach salad, hot cross buns, fluff, and almond, pecan chocolate cake. yum - mee!

Exhausted and overstuffed - we returned home, put Mace to bed and relaxed the evening away. And today, I awoke determined to start my weekly Monday diet, but seemed to have forgotten about it from the bedroom to the kitchen because I seemed to have had a big piece of almond pecan chocolate cake for breakfast. Geesh!!!

lobster... That's the color of my skin. Lisa and I took the kids out on the boat for an afternoon of tubing and other assorted lake fun. I was so proud of us ladies for getting it all done with no problems. and I'm especially proud of little Macy for being such a good girl. She actually laid down and slept for over an hour. The rest of the time she sat there eating almost a whole box of "Scooby Snacks" (bone shaped graham crackers). The boys had a blast, too, and did very good for their first time tubing. I have a feeling, though, that they will want to be out there every single day this summer. Marc is already saving up for a wake board. I can feel the sunburn blisters already!

Once home, I took a wonderful shower and we all dined on left-over lasagna from last night. After Macy was asleep, Mike and I sat in our lawn chairs in the driveway, had a couple ales and talked while we watched the teenage neighbor girls drive their tricked-out golf cart up and down the street.

Yesterday, I met two of my neighbors for lunch at the DQ. Yep, that's about all.

Tomorrow Mike and some other fellas are heading up north somewhere on a testosterone-filled wild hog hunt. I'm scared for him!!! I hear they can be vicious!!!

mom would be proud... Before I recap my weekend, I'll give you a taste of my Monday while it's still fresh.

Macy had her fifteen month checkup today. I can't believe how old she's getting! She's 24 lbs, 3 oz. and 32 inches now, and she had to get one shot. I felt so bad for her because the nurse came in and talked and played with her and Macy was having such a great time... then for no reason, her new friend hurt her!! The look on her face was like, "whyyyyy!" The good news is that the doctor says she's absolutely perfect (of course!) and she doesn't need any more shots until she's four.

We stopped by Target on the way home to pick up some pictures, and then it was home for her late nap. She slept for three hours, allowing me to (here's the part mom would be proud of) spend time covering my flower beds with that black paper to keep weeds out. Tomorrow I'm going to order some river rock to cover up the paper. I've never been one to garden, but I must say that now that I have a nice yard and flower beds, I'm kinda getting excited about planting a few more. It really is therapeutic (mom was right!)

Otherwise, I spent the day with the never-ending laundry. It often frusterates me that I could do laundry every day of my life and still never be done. I made dirty rice for dinner and Macy managed to watch 10 minutes of Shrek before her attention moved elsewhere and, finally, those eye rubs telling us she was tired.

I talked to my mom on the phone for a bit. Mike's mom called with some news of concern, too. It seems her doctors have discovered something in her chest that doesn't look right. She'll have a CAT Scan on Wednesday, so keep her in your prayers.

Now for the quick weekend recap...

Macy had her final Splash Babies class on Saturday morning. She graduated with honors and received her first official certificate of achievment. We were so proud. I thought it was kinda humorous when Mike tried to help Macy give an acceptance speech, but the other members didn't seem to get it... Oh, well.

Later that day, the Schwartz's came on over. It was their middle boy's birthday and we celebrated by going on out to the Lake for what we thought would be a quick ride. We ended up staying out for five hours because the weather was absolutely perfect. The boys even jumped in and swam around for awhile. At dinner time we didn't want to leave, so Ron ran to Fat Dog for beer and Peppers for pizza and we had our meal right there in the middle of the lake. When we finally left the lake, we went home for a quick shower and then in to the Schwartz's for cake and ice cream.

Sunday, Macy attended her very first Easter egg hunt hosted by East Texas Medical Center. She did well, finding five eggs. We dinnered at Bodacious BBQ and took a driving tour of the entire Azalea district. I know I've said it before, but it's so b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l. Then finally, we went to the Schwartz's for Marc's birthday dinner we forewent the day before for beer and pizza. He wanted ham steaks with my homemade bbq sauce (thank you very much) and mandarin salad. Not a bad choice for a 6-year-old, huh?

And now here I am, Monday night with fresh sheets on the bed waiting...

i'm lucky... We were drawn to the azaleas again yesterday. We first played in the park and then took a nice walk. I felt so lucky as I pushed Macy in her stroller and felt the breeze blowing. It's a far cry from my old life sitting behind a desk all day. I don't know how I got so lucky.

My sister, Monti, called from California in the afternoon. It was nice chatting with her. I caught her up on my trip home and she, me, on her sis-in-law's visit which was currently in progress. I'm sad because I don't know when I'll be able to see her again. She's not sure when they'll be able to visit home and odds are it won't be at the same time we're there. I can only hope.

And from the log of June Cleaver... I baked homemade bread for the chicken salad sandwiches I was craving have for supper. Everything turned out nice. I even put grapes in the chicken salad. Ooooh, gourmet!

azaleas... For our afternoon outing yesterday, Macy and I took a walk along the azalea trail in the historic district of Tyler. I'd heard that it was a beautiful sight, but was skeptical. Well, it was gorgeous. The bright and fragrant azalea bushes went on for blocks and blocks.

Otherwise, we're back to our old routine. Laundry, groceries, vacuuming and dusting are all on the agenda. Sounds funny, but I'm actually starting to get used to and, more importantly, enjoy this lifestyle. It might be that I'm finally through the transition...