time to write... Last time I wrote here, I was carrying a life inside me. Now I'm not. I've been avoiding writing about it because I just haven't felt like I had a handle on it, yet. I've spent the week up and down, trying to figure out what this all means for me. You see, I believe every single thing in life happens for a reason. I think God has a hand in some things and I think the devil has a hand at times. But I also believe that sometimes they both let things roll and the power lies with us. But this time, however, I just know God was at work. I had prayed so hard for this baby and when I learned I was pregnant I prayed even harder. But all along I asked God to do his will and I guess that is what he did. He giveth and he taketh away, after all.

Mike and I had been trying to get pregnant since we moved here. I've been reading about fertility, charting my temperatures, etc. I remember thinking to myself, "if i don't get my period by february 1, i'm probably pregnant" February 2 came around and we took the home test. It was positive. I was so happy. I called my mom that night, called my brothers and sisters that week, even though something inside me was saying I should probably wait. I really wanted the baby. I was already naming him, decorating his room and introducing him to Macy. The night before the miscarriage, Macy had kissed my stomach.

One of my new friends, Johnna, upon learning what happened, sent me a letter telling me her miscarriage story. She talked about how her child is now with God. That was comforting. I hadn't yet come to that because I was still dealing with the fact that this little child I already loved would never come to be. He was simply gone in the form of the blood I had to see each time I used the bathroom. I'm glad she opened my eyes and reminded me that he's not gone and he did have a purpose. I don't know what his purpose was, and maybe I never will. But I do know that for some reason I feel stronger this week. Even when I break down and cry. I know that when I look at my husband and my daughter, I feel even luckier that they are here. I feel life is precious and in a split second, anything can be taken away.

I still want a baby just as badly. At my low points this week I felt as if being pregnant would be the only thing that would make me happy again. I know that's not true. Am I scared to get pregnant? Yes. But sometimes, as is the case now, all I really have is my faith. I think it's been strengthened this week.

Miscarriages are so common. They've happened to a ghastly amount of women, some of them not even knowing because it happens so early and can be disguised as a late period. It's happened to some women more than once. It's happened to my friends and my family. I don't know why I thought it'd never happen to me, but I honestly did.

it's snowing!!!!... As Macy and I left Target this afternoon, we were greeted outside with a beautiful downfall of snow. It was so fun to see everyone's reactions. They were so excited! The Target employees were standing outside watching it and as we walked through the parking lot a grown man walked by us and happily exclaimed, "Isn't this fun?!" Macy even seemed a bit confused.

happy birthday, mikey... Today is my husband's birthday. We celebrated both of our birthdays last night by employing our favorite babysitter, Ashley, and dining alone at our favorite restaurant, Julians, followed by a movie. We saw Miracle and it was awesome!!!! I highly recommend it, even for non-hockey buffs (like me) because it's a great story of teamwork and the American spirit.

It's been rainy and dreary all week. I just got back from a ladies group meeting that my neighbor, Dawn, has been kind enough to take me to at her church. I've been once before and really enjoyed the women in the group. We're reading The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortburg, and we discuss a different chapter every week. They have on-site babysitters for the kids so Macy enjoys it, even though she misses her morning nap in the process. She fell asleep on the way home and is sleeping now, which leaves me to relax and prepare for Mike's birthday dinner tonight.

perfect... When Mike finally came and got me from our room last night, he let me into the kitchen, which was decorated in streamers and balloons. There was a cake on the table and a few gifts, too. It was such a nice surpise. Macy's high chair was even decorated. The cake was delicious! And I got some nice gifts, too. A much-needed camera case, some perfume and a Maya Angelou frame with this quote.. "You rose into my life like a promised sunrise, brightening my days with the light in your eyes. I've never been so strong. Now I'm where I belong." It's perfect for my 30th!!! (I've just started collecting Maya Angelou stuff.) She's so inspirational! I was touched by the many phone calls I received from family and friends.

After Macy went to bed we took a bubble bath together and the evening continued in a romantic fashion but I will withhold those details. I will say I went to sleep happy and content.

i've been banned... to my room for some reason. Mike told me to come in here until he tells me I can come out. Not sure what he's up to but no doubt it is a birthday surprise. So while I'm anxiously waiting, it'd be a good time to update the events of the day...

I ended up choosing to go to Little Italy for lunch. I had the Eggplant Parmigiana (one of my new favorites!) and Mike had the Manicotti. It was scruptious! After lunch Macy and I walked the mall (the spending freeze will be over Thursday and I've got a lot of make-up shopping. hee-hee) and stopped by Walgreens for some Cortaid for the patch of Excema (sp?) on my neck. It's been there for about a month and won't go away. Mike's Medical Director, Dr. Moore, gave me a quick diagnosis before we left for lunch today. Hopefully, it'll get cleared up soon.

Jeesh, I wonder what he's doing out there...

i'm 30... I stood naked in front of the mirror this morning, looking at my 30-year-old body. For the first time in a long time I was satisfied with myself. Not that I look much different that I have for the past couple years; my stomach is not flat, my thighs have been much thinner, and my boobs have actually seen bigger and perkier days before the creation of Macy. But I'm satisfied simply because this milestone finally gives me the strength and wisdom to accept my own unique beauty. Reaching my thirtieth birthday has always symbolized a new era of self-acceptance of me. I can finally let go of all that the twenties have stood for. When I look back on my early and mid-twenties, the words that comes to mind are anxiety and urgency. I was always on the go, trying to keep up with all that I thought was expected of me. I was expected to be self-sufficient, be smart, have money and a cool pad, be thin and pretty with cool clothes and have a cool boyfriend. And even when I did have all of these things, I didn't know how to enjoy the moment. I was always looking ahead, waiting for those girls' nights out to get drunk, waiting to be proposed to, waiting to be thin enough to buy that new outfit. Always, frantically, waiting, waiting, waiting, and worrying myself sick that I wasn't good enough.

I enjoyed my twenties, don't get me wrong. But there is such satisfaction in seeing how much I've grown and how much smarter I am. It's refreshing to be able to look at my non-thin stomach in the mirror and just be thankful that I can still fit in the size 12 jeans instead of being mad at myself for not being in 8 yet. Oh, being an 8 would be nice. I know I look really good at that size, but a 12 is that bad either. And it's wonderful to think that my life really is just getting started. I have a lot of work to do. I'm going to be a counselor someday, I haven't even started that. I'm going to go prom dress shopping with Macy someday. And I get to spend every day with a man whom I adore and who adores me. I wouldn't have appreciated all of this at 23. Each year of my life has given me such wisdom from the year before.

So far on this very momentus morning, Mike woke me up with a kiss, singing happy birthday, Macy gave me the gift of sleeping until 8:30, and my sweet neighbors Dawn and Deanne both called to wish me a happy birthday. I will meet Mike for lunch at 11:30 I haven't yet decided where I want to eat. Then I plan on going for a long walk and returning home to check the mailbox for birthday cards!!!! I'll check in later.

all alone... Mike and Macy just left. Mike decided to take Macy for the morning. I'm not sure what they're going to do. Pretty secretive. Hmmmmm. So I plan on taking a leisurely shower, donning some super-comfy clothes and heading in to Barnes and Nobel. I used to go there quite often back when I was single and needing something to occupy my mornings on the weekends. Macy and I go there sometimes, but she's not so patient when I want to stop and browse through the books.

Yesterday Macy and I had lunch with Mike at Jason's Deli. It was fabulous! I was so tired in the afternoon and actually took a nap while Macy napped. I guess I needed to rest up because last night we went down the street for pizza and beer with the neighbors. There were eight of us there, with all the kids. I had met all of the women but not their husbands and it was Mike's first time meeting any of them. It was fun. The women all loved Mike, of course, and he seemed a better fit with us girls anyway. Maybe it was because the men were all "true texans" and the majority of their conversation included guns and amunition. I told them that guns were illegal in Nebraska. I quickly told them it was a joke when I saw the looks of pure disgust and anger on their faces. But it was a good time and Macy had a blast playing with the seven other kids there. She was a hit, as usual.

This afternoon we'll be heading to Shreveport with the Schwartz' and another couple from Mike's office to see a Shreveport Mudbugs hockey game! Yee-Haw! I'm looking forward to it, even though they aren't the Stars

success stories...

#1
Yea for me! Today, in the mail, I received my acceptance letter to the University. Whew. I'm actually quite proud of myself for some reason. I will officially begin next fall term on October 1. But... I'm going to try to see if I can get a jump start and take a class or two this summer. We'll see.

#2
On our outing today Macy and I shopped at the Super Goodwill and bought nothing. We also grocery shopped at Wal-mart and I was successful in maintaining the spending freeze by buying nothing but the groceries we needed. I'm dying to shop. I miss Target!

#3
I've still been doing great on my walking ritual. Macy and I mall-lapped on Monday and Wednesday and plan to tomorrow after our lunch date with Mike. I'm finding that I enjoy walking in the mall a lot more than walking the trail. I think it's because I do enjoy being around people, I just don't always want to talk to them. Sometimes it's hard to avoid it with Macy saying "hi" to everyone. I feel rude just walking on by, but she does make so many people smile.